New Gusism

Gus aka Elray is my kid. He is now 5 years old. I started jotting down some of the funny and, of course, profound things that he says. These are some quotes culled from the last year or so…

Gus: “Hey Dad, why are we made of meat?”

We were watching a hockey game the other night – Toronto vs St. Louis. Gus says to me, “Dad, who are you going for, the flags or the music?” (Its funny if you know what the two teams crests look like.

Tami (rubbing the back of her neck) “I could really use a massage right about now” Gus: “What’s a massage?” Tami:” It is when someone rubs your neck” Gus proceeds to walk over to her and then vigorously rub her throat.

Gus: “Cat! Cat, get off the tiles! Cat, get off the tiles!!…Cat, eat that silver fish!”

Gus: “I could either barf or go to the washroom. I choose go the washroom!”

Gus somehow got himself wedged between the sofa and ottoman with his ass sticking in the air (don’t ask) “Dad, this is not very dignified!”

Tami (walking on the side of the road in Mexico): “Gus, what am I going to have to do to make stop this whining?!” Gus (nonchalant): “I dunno, punch me in the throat?”

Gus: “I wish I was dead already, so I wouldn’t have to eat boring food!”

Me: hey Gus, what did you wish for at the fountain, world peace?” Gus “Yep…I mean the World Cup.”

Things I never thought I’d say: “Yes Gus, it is hard to kill a fruit fly with a light saber”. “Alright Master Jedi, where would you like to eat your tofu hot dog?”

Elray thought it would be funny to sneak a cherry tomato from the garden into my back pocket. You can guess what happened after that..

Me – “Knock Knock” Tami – “Who’s There?” Me – “Al”, Tami – “Al Who” Me: “Alcoholic”, Tami: “Alcoholic who?” Gus :” Alcoholic You”

Gus (after pressing a bunch of buttons on the calculator) “There, now is it the right time?”

Watching the Empire Strikes Back with Gus “Dad, where has The Force gone? Is it in his pocket?”

Gus (while aiming a water gun at me): “Are you ready for a moment of your life?”

Gus: “Wow, that guy got kicked right in the heart!”

Gus: “Dad you shouldn’t say fuck”

Gus wanted to go to the corner store by himself. Tami secretly followed. He spotted her hiding behind the chips. He points at her and shouts (in a store full of people) “Hey you! Get outta here!”

Gus: (upon seeing the neighbors cat who had snuck into our house) “Hey, the cat got bigger!”

Thinking it was a nice heart shaped candy, Gus ate some soap.

Gus: (getting mad because Tami wouldn’t help him put on his socks) “Dad helps me, he does lots of things, all you do is lay around the house!”

Gus: “I used to know how to do this button up, but I lost my mind”.

Driving yesterday I got cut off and I muttered “Nice move, you weasel!” Gus from the back seat chimed in “Ya nice move, you easewel!

Gus: “Hey! Time Out! (making the time-out “T” gesture) I’m trying to watch golf!”

Me: “Gus eat your lunch, please” Gus (all upset) “Dad, you’re breaking my life!” Me:” I am, am I?” Gus (more upset) “Yes! You’re breaking my world!”

Walking by the park I heard a couple of hobos chatting; “Hey man, I here that Zeus has some wine down at the lake!” Ok, not a Gus quote but funny all the same.

Gus” Mama, can I have some spinach?” Tami “Yes Gus, of course” Gus “Whoo-hoo! I get spinach! I get spinach!”

Me: (after measuring Gus) “Hey Gus, you’re 42 inches!” Julius : “That’s almost three and a half feet!” Gus: “I don’t have three and a half feet!”

Gus: “Mom can you buy me some more money?”

Gus: “twinkle twinkle little star, man we have a dirty car.”

Gus: “I’m going to get me a job at the library, make some money and buy me a key chain!”

Gus: Hey Dad, you don’t plant eggs to grow eggplants do you?

Gus: “I hope the one with the torch wins!”

Gus: (after I pull him out of the bath) , “Jesus, I’m cold!”

Me: “Hey Gus, where’s Nanny?” Gus: “Oh, she’s just out having a butt. Having a smoke”

Gus: “I like number 5!” Me: ” You know what his name is? Erhoff.” Gus: ” I love the Erhoff!”

Gus: “Dad, do sheep have brains?” Me: “Um, yeah”. Gus: “Do they have bones?” Me: “Of course.” Gus: “Well how come Shaun the sheep never has to go to the doctor?”

Gus: “Hey Dad I just saw some birds flying.” Me: “Oh ya, where do you think that they were going?” Gus: “Africa.” Me: “That’s kind of far don’t you think?” Gus: “They can handle it”

Me: “Hey Gus if we get a cat, what should we name it?” Gus: ” I dunno, Kuntel? Me: “Um…” Gus: “Or Pork Hand?”

Gus: “Where’s mom? Me: “She’s still in bed” Gus: “Is she dead?”

Gus: Hey Dad, I saw a monkey cooking once! Me: Oh really? Where? Gus: The Main St parking lot (?!) with Mom. Me: Really? What was he making? Gus: Potatoes.

Should I find it amusing that Elray wants to name his new stuffed owl Pooter?

Me “Gus don’t try to put stuff in my eyes.” Gus “But its just my finger”.

Me: “Gus stop blowing that whistle!” Gus: “But I’m the police and the police can do whatever they want”.